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Sunday, September 17, 2017

Dissociation & Paranoia

Dissociation & Paranoia
The only true human need is the breath; everything else is want; even good health.

Some men are so misogynistic that they should only be intimate with other men, but their learned homophobia prevents them from enjoying such intimately sexual company.

The end consequences of homophobia coupled with misogyny are so insidiously toxic that some men can never have any true intimacy with members of either sex.

We so want to be "normal" or very like the rest of them that we are most quick to place the full blame on those involved in a dysfunctional relationship with; therefore, denying the fact that we are equally responsible in our own codependency and other dysfunctions.

"Add or give to me
To make me
A whole,"
Beckoned she.

"Take or subtract from me
To make me
A whole,"
Whispered I.

Reminder: I am a miracle.

Suicide may be the most talked-about and obvious baneful consequence of untreated mental illness, specifically with long-term therapy and psychotropics, but others less talked-about are a total dissociation from the symptoms of the illness, paranoia due to the insurmountable amount of stress brought forth by lack of coping skills and the brain's chemical imbalance, and all the other stress-related short-term and long-term physical ailments.

Some, NOT all, suicides are completed, or even attempted, by folks in moments of lucidity, for they've come to the sobering realization that being in mental illness limbo - - the daily physical and mental aches of it all, not to mention the stigma and shame associated with living with the illness for those who have not yet found ways to transcend the two - - is way too painful to continue to bear for the rest of their lives.
I don't want to be against ANY thing in life, including suicide; what I am for is always moral choices, clear-cut or not, but for people to know that they have many moral ways to continue living or not to, for the cosmic responsibility and freedom is inherent and within, and never without or in the manipulative hands of society, government, or religion.
We, as a society - - in a so-called civilized period of human history - - don't allow doctors - - it is in fact illegal, with severe consequences - - to practice euthanasia or to help folks, even with widely "acceptable" life-ending or terminal diseases, or to assist them in choosing to painlessly end their lives, so suicide is and should always be the other viable option for folks to seriously weigh in, whenever they see fit to.
I remember reading in my early thirties, in one of the Jewish, Nobel Prize winner, author Isaac Bashevis Singer's books, about Singer's most cogent discernment and pronounment on suicide, and I paraphrase him here, if I may with such a giant of literature:
To take Goddess's greatest gift, life, and to tell Her, "Here, take it back!" is no act of cowardice, but of great courage.
I may add, of truly exercising one's inherently cosmic responsibility and freedom.
Also, those, who want to have power-over others, want us to be totally hobbled and most circumspect by a dire and irrational fear of death in general, so that they can manipulate us into living and suffering inhumanely under their profitable and bloody hands, for fear of the "undiscovered country from whose bourn//No traveler returns...," as Shakespeare sublimely refers to it in "Hamlet."

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Dysfunctional Interplay

Dysfunctional Interplay
When in an intimate relationship, before you sign the trust contract, make sure to read the fine print.

I believe that some people commit suicide, because they are so in dire fear of any substantial change.

Codependency is most like a chemical addiction.

A mystery: I live as a codependent with social anxiety.
A rhetorical: How does one even begin or attempt to reconcile the two?

As I begin to look more closely at Helen of Brooklyn as a reflection of who I am and attract, I realize that my codependency is to be treated or engage with, on my journey to wholeness, like any other chemical addiction.

Beware of what you hate in the other, for it is only being reflected back to you from your own deepest subconscious recesses.

As violence has been imprinted on a man's DNA through centuries of insidiously toxic indoctrination, so has the chemical impulse in a woman to look for financial stability, sexual stamina, and brute strength in a prospective male partner.

Helen of Brooklyn's codependency tentacles are manifested as "give to or add to me to prove my worth."
My tentacles are manifested as "take away or subtract from me to prove my worth."
The dysfunctional interplay is almost sublimely star-crossed!

There comes a point in a human being's life when she has to assert his spiritual Independence by questioning or doubting everything about her inner and outer world he inhabits, through a balance, hopefully, of her own creation and outer indoctrination.

A narcissist is most adept at using both sticks and carrots to manipulate those in her immediate sphere.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Peace Healers

Peace Healers
Peace needs, has no warriors, but healers.

Essentially how a narcissist gaslights you is by undermining, slowly till completely, your own truth (with small "t"), and then superceding their own unreality, version of reality or truth upon your perceived most doubtful senses or ways used to navigate the world in the past, so you become completely dependent on the narcissist - - for everything.

A narcissist tries her/his hardest to become your very emotional and moral compass; beware!
I remember well a voicemail left by Helen of Brooklyn: "I am not your enemy!" Well, should I not be the judge and jury to deliver that final verdict? I should definitely be, I believe. Well, in the sweet end, she had no substantial evidence, beyond a reasonable doubt, to the contradictory she claimed!

Asking a narcissist to reflect on her/his intention, after you have suffered as a direct result of their behavior toward you, is very like asking, begging Cerberus to show you a way out of Hades.

I'm so dysfunctional in many ways, and I recognize, accept, and working towards healing those unhealthy parts; therefore, anyone I am involved with intimately, who is also as dysfunctional or more, needs to be at the stage of life where she has recognized, accepted, and in the process of working towards healing her unhealthy parts, also, or we are star-crossed.
So, being in an intimate relationship with someone who is completely consumed by their own dysfunctions, thus unable to bring anything substantial to the table, is not for me, though I usually will get attached quickly as a codependent, and begin to sacrifice my self more and more, in hopes of waking up the other to reciprocate, even just a tiny little bit.

The sacredness of the intimate space that two people involved in a functional relationship is engendered and maintained through complete vulnerability, honesty, compassion, and empathy, in order words, arduous toiling.

I will never understand how a woman, who is not a professional prostitute, could open her legs for me but not her heart, but if she is able and comfortable to do so in the beginning stages of the relationship, that's proof enough of her lack of character and hidden agendas; I am as responsible, also, for not having any forbearance in that way.
... and men, in general, do so, also, for simply sex and toxic male bonding points!

If you don't both take the time to make an effort to build a strong enough bridge to withstand your individual differences brought to bear on your intimate relationship, the smallest of your unresolved issues between you both will cause your bridge to fall down to unrecognizable pieces.

You will know, when you are truly onboard the train to journey to healing, when you start asking yourself: what role did I play in that? And you will ask yourself that specific kind of questions to really begin to identity, pinpoint the lesson or lessons to be learned or unlearned.

Narcissists are predators who camouflage as preys.

A narcissist is a perpetrator who camouflages as a victim.

A star-crossed concoction: any "beauty" pageantry system and low self-esteem.
...but the two seem to attract each other like opposite poles of a magnet.

I would love to reintroduce my Self to some narcissistic acquaintances as follows:
"Hello, my name is Clair."
"And Voyant is my last name."
Then watch with great amusement how long it takes them, in their baneful self-absorption, to recognize​ a sacred union.
I would wager a glass of red wine, that most of them could never succeed at that.

At times, lessons are not to be learned, but unlearned.

Some nimble and glib ones, in order to mitigate (quite unsuccessfully, I should add), to the devolution of our whole humanity, their existential angst, become high-risk takers, whether on Wall Street, other professional positions, or in their personal lives, through mainly the creation, manipulation of fear of scarcity, and they get chemically well rewarded, in their estimation and addiction, with material things, which are the potent drugs of the one-percenters.

Blessed are the un-nimble and un-glib, for they shall inherit Goddess's consciousness.

Blessed are the un-nimble and un-glib, for they shall know that they are insignificant and immortal, reconcile the two, and act accordingly.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

White Love

White Love
The "we can't air our tribal dirty laundry publicly" credo persists, even as sexual assaults and violent murders of "Black" women committed by their intimate "Black" male partners or exes have skyrocketed in recent decades, quite unchallenged by most folks of color themselves, but let's villify all "White" folks by speaking against "White supremacy!"

I believe that at the essence of the wherefore of some, not all, suicides is a total lack of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness in the very precise moment of committing the act of a total lack of self-compassion.

Some suicides, not all, are the sudden, no matter how in advance planned or premeditated, deeds of a total lack of self-compassion.

I love the way in which some folks will continually hurt you, then say most angrily, "I'm sorry!" And what about the "I am not perfect! Everyone makes mistakes!"
Well forgive me also this mistake: I am sorry for running away from you forever.
See, some of us don't stay closely to folks who have habitually hurt us, in hopes of opportunities or weaknesses to present themselves for sweet revenge, to fully inhabit victimhood, or to feel morally superior as a martyr.

Change is not one single event, but a long-term, conscious, and arduous toiling to essentially rewire the human brain.
Thus, the next time you entertain the idea that you could change someone to fit into your mold of an ideal partner... Stop, and have a good laugh at your silliness!
Or the next time you hear a dysfunctional folk or codependent say, "I will change...," run away as fast as you can to not have a heart attack; live another day to love your self or/and someone else, again!

I love my Self, and that is quite enough; at times when I find it hard to love my Self, I know, believe that I am still inherently enough, for Goddess's Grace perpetually redeems me at times of self-doubt.

Some suicides, not all, are attempted or accomplished, when pain or suffering exceeds the person's ability to accept and cope with life as is.

Wouldn't there be at least a public denouncement or outcry, if not violent protests, if a media corporation had called a TV series, "White Love?" We don't seem to recognize "implicit bias" at all, when it is being performed by our in-group or tribe! Constructs, like "Black pride" and "Black love" are insidiously divisive in most subtle ways, especially when used as a tactic to counter another falsity, 'White" supremacy. In the end or as a result, our own humanity gets more bruised by our own tribal hands, instead of her getting the emphathetic space and time to heal.

Beware of who you join minds and hearts with to gossip or talk disparagingly about others, for while you may be doing so for you are simply befuddled by others' actions or lack of, the person joining you may be doing so out of envy.

One never dies for or because of love; one can only live for or because of love. If you are ready and willing to die for something or anything, it never has anything to do with love, directly or indirectly.

Hate gives you the kinetic energy to transform into daily courage, to then move and stay physically and emotionally away from some leeches and narcissists, who you may have grown accustomed to being around, despite of their constantly abusing and disrespecting you as a sentient being.

Living with a mental illness is very like being born blessedly blind, and having self-centered folks, blessed themselves with eyesight, telling you how to navigate the world exactly as they do.

It's best to share your good fortunes with platonic friends, acquaintances, or the homeless persons on the streets, instead of folks involved with intimately, for when they leave you (through inevitable break-up; never essential who initiate it) to fill an emotional and physical vacuum, you may find it really hard to take cosmic responsibility and forgive yourself for not having more or just enough forbearance.

A "Black" transgender woman is recently fired as a spokesperson or public figure by "L'Oreal," the beauty products company, for saying publicly that "all 'White' people are racists."
The public outcry or violent protests that would have ensued, if a public figure, especially "White," had said that "all 'Black' folks are ... "

I write my subjective truth about my  past dysfunctional relationship with Helen of Brooklyn, as viewed and interpreted through the lenses of my own life experiences, emotional maturity or lack thereof, morality or lack thereof, discernment or lack thereof, ... In order words, my accounts are most personal, implicitly and explicitly biased, and only tell my side (50% only) of the whole (100% = 2 folks or sides) story, but nevertheless my truth (small "t"), thus my peace, to move forward with to a healing.

The vitality or exuberance of small children, with innocence still untouched, uncorrupted by the adult would, is like no other.

Following other people's advice on how to authenticaly be your Self, no matter how well-intentioned, is like having Cerberus lead out of Hades.  Good luck!

Friday, September 1, 2017

Morass of Falsity

Morass of Falsity
If you really only listen to folks, they can't lie to you at all, and if you only truly observe the sum of their actions, well then you would think that you were clairvoyant, indeed!

A lot of women have allowed themselves to be ruined, emotionally and physically in some instances, by the "bad" boys who they love and fear so much; ruined for they have not taken cosmic responsibility to heal and grow, but instead look for a "good" man to hurt emotionally, and physically at times.

Courage comes naturally, when you completely accept your cowardice.

Throwing money at everything, especially natural disasters' victims, relieves us from truly connecting with each other on an intimate level or any other authentically deeper level.

The morass of falsity that surrounds some folks may bog one down to a definite halt, then complete standstill.

Return to your Self, and learn anew the rhythm of your soul or being.

Kindly decline to attend, if invited to dine at a lioness's table, for your food chain relationship will never change from predator-prey to predator-predator, and you, as a carcass, will certainly be served at her next feast with her cubs, when hungry.

Some of us have been evicted out of our own lives by pain, suffering inflicted upon our body and mind by others, and at times by our own hands, and are totally unaware that we may collect our selves back, once we decide to be cosmically responsible for our eviction, and forgive our selves in order to heal, and then enter into a new lease with our being or Goddess's consciousness.

Those, who don't unlearn from their dysfunctional relationships, are condemned to repeat the same mistakes.

The outside world is most unforgiving; therefore, if you daily do not practice self-forgiveness, your intimate relationship with thee most important person in the universe, you, is definitely star-crossed!

Folks will avoid true introspection at all costs, for they don't ultimately know how to forgive themselves for what will inevitably be unearthed, and, then, be cosmically responsible for all of their actions, "good" and "bad."

If most of the time when you talk (can't say communicate!) with each other, it's always about speaking disparagingly of others, then you are definitely not getting to know each other intimately at all, for all the time and space is deflected away from the both of you to do the hard work of being vulnerable with each other.

Redemption, through total self-acceptance and daily rituals of self-forgiveness, is thee ultimate gift you can give to your Self.

Redemption is not contingent on any externals or what-man-can-giveth-then-taketh; a serial killer on death row can find redemption within his own humanity, heart, soul, or Goddess's Grace.

I take credit for one good thing: During my most dysfunctional relationship with Helen of Brooklyn, I never asked, begged, or demanded that she spent time with me - - I had learned that hard lesson from a previous dysfunctional relationship: you don't even request for someone to spend time intimately with you, for she/he will use that perceived "weakness" on your part to make various kinds of hefty withdrawals out of your life!
Thus, we only saw each other, when it was convenient for her rest schedule, and when she came by my apartment, she had to be the center of my complete attention (she's a true narcissist!); if I even wanted to leave the bedroom, she would ask where was I running off to; If I was going to buy food mainly for her dinner and her next day's lunch for work, she would want to come along, and would complain when I refused to take her along - - never wanted to take her along, for we would have always ended up at several other shops to spend my hard-earned money on her. I also ended up totally neglecting my workout at the gym, and eating a healthy diet to accommodate her lifestyle, rest and attention-seeking schedule.
But I didn't know even where she lived with her "husband" and children, so I couldn't even go visit her; our implicitly agreed-upon (yes, I am complicit equally in ALL of it, for the almost three years we spent seeing each other intimately and most dysfunctionally) arrangement worked completely in her favor, more to the point, favors of all kinds I could indulge her in!

Self-forgiveness soothes the very soul, like a mother to her child.

My truth is that my biological mother was an emotionally distant person, though she loved me very much in her own dysfunctional ways; therefore, I look for a low emotional IQ in a prospectively intimate partner.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Inherent Sacredness

Inherent Sacredness
At this stage of human evolution, quite possibly devolution, if we still cannot treat each other as the precious, sacred sentient beings that we are, let us, then, treat each other with compassion and empathy, if not possible, then with respect, if still not possible, then with total indifference, and of course in our separate little corner of this big world. Isn't this world big enough? Hubris, greed, legacy, the false fear of scarcity, and tribalism might definitely keep us from perceiving it to be so!

The daily practice of self-forgiveness is to live with complete abandon within mystery.

One shouldn't go into an intimate relationship with the intent of making only withdrawals, for patience, magnanimity, discernment, romantic love, compassion and empathy are all in limited - - but renewable if deposits are also being made - - allowance, supply with any mortal; therefore, soon the other will be running a zero balance or worse a negative one, but all the while, the human account for resentment, indifference, impatience, misunderstanding, distrust, and dislike will be running a positively high balance.

It's definitely impossible to know someone who doesn't know, or even want to, well their own self intimately, for if someone is not daily practicing self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance unconditionally, that person inhabits victimhood, and self-loathinghood, in order words, their former self is shattered into so many pieces, and most of the shards are lost or buried too far deep the subconscious.

Unrequited love is indifference.

Those, who don't know or want to know themselves well intimately, ultimately fear cosmic responsibility and freedom.

Every day we fail to recognize and honor the preciousness and sacredness in each one of us, sentient beings, is a natural disaster.

All my life, until this very moment, I wanted to be neurotypical, for I didn't believe so enough to simply put into daily practice that I am - - always was, and will eternally be - - inherently precious and sacred just as Goddess has created, neurodivergent me.

One could, will never be enough for another who isn't truly ready and able to give herself/himself intimately with abandon.

Hail Lexapro!
Decry Libido.

There's absolutely nothing one can, could, should, and need to do to make anyone love and respect you, for it is all up to the other human being whether she/he chooses or essentially is capable to do so; therefore, don't waste your precious time and energy, or sacrifice yourself in that pre-doomed undertaking!

To excavate one's shards of a former self, which have been deeply buried into the subconscious requires hard toiling of emotional digging, preferably with a therapist or spiritual advisor, and most of us are not ready and willing to do so, unless a deeply painful crisis offers us no other way out of our falsehood, but to choose the bare essence of us.

Mental health professionals of all "races" and creeds have saved my life during my last complete mental breakdown; how could I not be forever moved by that: "good" folks in all tribes, and certainly "bad" ones, also. I belong only to our whole humanity or Goddess's consciousness.

Money, privilege, legacy, and competition are all zero-sum games, which is why you may observe a lot of folks use human discontentment and suffering, like war, natural disaster, civil rights mockery, and outbreaks of deadly diseases, to line their pockets, for once you have amassed those aforementioned factors/resources, no one wants any of them to be devalued for too many other people have so acquired them also.

Why would anyone need other folks' money/donations to take care of or help natural disasters', wars', or deadly diseases' outbreak victims? Would not your own time, physical presence, human spirit, and whatever personal material goods of your own be more than enough to bring to bear to feel morally superior, or ease your guilty conscience, if that is indeed the end goals to begin with, and not truly lining your own pockets or building your legacy? Oh, Goddess, human hubris has no end!

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Toxic Prototype

Toxic Prototype
You and only you know or should entertain the idea of whether someone should have another chance to prove worthy to be intimately in your life, so don't give her/him any opportunity to explain away misdeeds against you!

The internalized, toxic prototype of the construct of "manhood" that some women hold in high esteem is that of an abusive, misogynistic, manipulative, overpowering partner, and a womanizer with an emotional IQ of a cave man; she may profess otherwise in words, but follow the sum of her actions instead; if you were to deviate from her mostly unconscious ideal "man" in any substantial ways, you will be punished dearly, in deeds, for your vulnerability, empathy, compassion, discernment, feminism will not be reciprocated at all, but mostly vilified, both subtly and overtly.

When folks are within their hazy bubble of self-deception, don't ever attempt to tell or show them that truth is not a liar.

Some women will wait until they've squandered all of their beauty and youth to look for a "good" man, while some men will wait till they've squandered all of their health and money to look for a "good" woman.
What they should both, in their common case, be looking for is the quickest way to Hades, and alone!

Allow your inner truth to be your compass along your physical and emotional journey, and not comfort.

Every woman has a frontal orifice between her legs, so if that is all you, as a woman, have or are willing to offer an intimate partner, your chances of engendering a functional relationship with the other are absolutely nil!

If you're having intercourse with your partner, and think, believe she/he owes you money, material things, and other favors, it's because you are having cheap sex, and not making mutual romantic love at all; therefore, expect resentments to set in fully on both sides, if you both keep on keeping on on that route!

If you are not listening to your intimate partner explicitly, and sometimes implicitly, express her/his emotional and physical needs, and doing your utmost to fulfill their emotional bids, then you are basically trapped in a most dysfunctional relationship in which resentments' build-up will sever soon enough any codependency's feeble entanglement.

A lot of elders of the Civil Rights era have only implicitly biased hindsights predicated on racial injustice of the past, but have absolutely no impartial insight and foresight into how to heal our bruised humanity, so that we may finally be able to welcome our "beloved community."

Extra, Extra, Read All About It! :
The Earth is flat!
The chances of a "Black" person getting murdered by another "Black" person eclipse those of getting killed by a police officer of any "race."
The chances of a "Black" woman getting murdered, or sexually assaulted by her intimate "Black" male partner eclipse those of her getting killed by a police officer of any "race."
But I might as well yell fire in a crowded place, and expect the U.S. Constitution to protect my "free speech!"

Beware of those who constantly desire and love to be gifted, for they seldom reciprocate.

I am grateful that Goddess created me a neurodivergent folk.